A year ago around this time I had just finished radiation and faced this humongous question of now what? I felt like I had finished a triathlon that I hadn’t trained for much less signed up yet, someone had entered me in this race and I couldn’t find a loophole for me to disqualify myself:( Well, to cope and try to make sense of what had happened to me, I started this blog exactly one year ago because I had a lot to get off my chest! I took a performance art class and created a few pieces based on my blogs.
All of which helped me heal emotionally and mentally including clearing up a PTSD from my childhood that made me go around trying to save my 7 year old self for decades via trying to save others–blah!
Fast forward to this year and I seem to be facing the same question Now What 2.0? Is there more for me to get off my chest–not if you measure me by my blog output which has definitely taken a dive:(
I find myself wondering what is the next level, where do I go from here? My cancer focus seems farther away now that my tests from last year all gave me a clean bill of health including my latest mammogram last week:)
I feel a bit confused but, not like the fog I was in last year facing survivorship wondering what the heck happened to me!? It’s more like my life is really back to normal and there are moments I find it hard to believe that I actually had breast cancer–as in did that really all happen to me!?
Nor is it likely that I will start eating Dorito chips again and drinking alcohol! But, I did get an ice cream maker for myself over Christmas and have made some awesome desserts using coconut cream! I’ll still exercise and meditate and try to just BE. This is a NEW NORMAL for sure–a healthier more balanced me:)
But the calling I felt to create something from my cancer experience was so dramatic and deep that it’s a weird feeling to well, not feel like I have to be Moses parting the Red Sea these days…more of a ho hum life is good attitude vs I could’ve of DIED y’all!!! I want to live EVERY DAY as if it’s my LAST because being ALIVE is F**king awesome and I’m SOOOO grateful to my parents for giving me LIFE, also for the AMAZING support of my FRIENDS and FAMILY, and the KICK ASS team of doctors–all of whom I CAN’T THANK enough in accepting this AWARD…
Whew, you get the picture right!?
Instead, I find myself spending down time streaming shows like I Zombie, The 100, and Game of Thrones to name a few;-) And instead of stressing about things like–will my MRI be clear or does this pain in my head mean the cancer spread to my brain!!?, I stress about whether I will get my taxes done on time or more importantly, WHY did they kill off Lexa on The 100? She was one of my favorite characters!!!
I have to admit, I sorta miss the adrenaline rush of being in a fight for one’s life and once the treatment was over, I had found my life purpose to impart a VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE to the WORLD!!!
Wow Jenn, Zealot much!? I hope I didn’t freak people out with my evangelism/fanaticism phase of recovery from having cancer;-)
On second thought, I think I prefer watching characters in TV shows fight for their lives over the real life of stress of fighting cancer any day;_)